Lying In With The Enemy
by mildredherondale1800
Summary: "I keep it all in because.. I want it to destroy me, not them. Because I deserve it." he smiled. Harry realized that his life wasn't as it was presented to him, it was much worse. He realized it doesn't bother him because his life always had only one purpose. To save others. Rated M for- Self Harm. Dark!Harry. Powerful Harry with elemental powers and serious mental issues.
1. Chapter 1

I know it's too much to ask but I'd really appreciate it if you said what you think about my story just so I know should I continue or stop and never dare to write ever again. I'm planning on this to develop into so many directions but you can see where I'm going with it...

And I hope you'll excuse me for all the grammar mistakes I made.

Walking down these halls will never be the same, he knew that. He used to love this place, it meant everything to him. His salvation when he needed it, it gave him hope and a meaning. This is the place where he met his friends and where he enjoyed in all the perks of being a wizard, living in a magical world. Sometimes he thought about it, but never said it out loud because it seemed too selfish and ungrateful, what would his life look like if the burden of being The Boy Who Lived wasn't on his chest? What if he was just a normal wizard? He was never able to control his thoughts and was really upset when he started to fantasise about an ordinary life as an ordinary wizard, because, he was offered a chance to be a better person, they helped him get away from the place he hated most, away from people who never understood him and disliked him because of a thing he couldn't change. They never realized how much their behavior affected him. Or maybe they did, just didn't care. The first time he let a drop of his blood flow because of their actions was at a very young age, and when he looks back he can't say it was the result of one particular event, no. It was because of everything they did before and he couldn't handle it. How did he even got the idea? Just like everything else in his life, there wasn't a special reason or a great idea that just jumped in his head. After being told and showed about his insignificance, he started to believe it himself. He pretended to understand why they hated him, started to hate himself, find excuses for their behavior and his bruises and cuts he began to enjoy looking at, knowing he deserved them. Now, many years after, he still hates himself and thinks he deserves all the bruises and cuts but not the one they gave him but the ones he gets in a battle and the ones he gives himself.

When coming to Hogwarts he began to feel guilty. He didn't know why but everything seemed to be his fault. Voldemort's constant attacks, so many deaths, so many tears. It was getting worse with every year he came back. Every death he heard about and read about in the papers, caused by The Death Eaters was piercing his soul slowly, making it bleed. He never realized why were people around him. He was such a waste of space, the one who was to blame for everything. Now he knew why Dumbledore was so nice to him, why everyone from The Order seemed to care about him. He was just a tool. And he would lie if he said it didn't hurt a little bit. For a moment he started to believe he had friends and people who cared about him and then everything crashed right before him. He never cried or told someone about it, his only reaction was a sad smile, a smile of expectation when he realized everything he thought about himself ever since he could remember, everything people in his childhood told him was true. How could he be so blind? How couldn't he see the annoyance in his friend's fake smiles? His professor's praises were just them giving him something to get him to the point where he thinks they care when actually just wanted his tool not to have a low moral when faced with his duties. And he didn't. He faced them with pride, did maybe even more than they all expected him to do. But just now, when maybe they could feel pride for everything he did, he wasn't able to tell them nor did he want them to. They will forever think he's the boy who had an average talent in everything, was a disturbance, a necessary evil they had to tolerate if they wanted their suffering to end. The suffering that was all his fault.

Now he'll end it, he just had to pretend, just like they did. It shouldn't be that hard since the truth about him would be unimaginable to them, wouldn't it? Who would think that that useless boy everyone knew had to defeat the most powerful dark wizard of all time, but no one knew how, was not only capable of doing it but more powerful than that dark wizard everyone feared. Because no one knew that Harry Potter was much more than an ordinary wizard. He was a seriously damaged elemental wizard with really low self esteem who knew how to end their suffering.


	2. Chapter 2

Another chapter, I hope you like it, please review.  
I didn't say I don't own the characters last time but it's a bit obvious? Disclaimer? Nah.  
Tell me what you think and excuse all the mistakes.

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He even knew how. He was making plans and trying to work out his strategies, learning how to control the situation, his powers, thoughts and feelings which sometimes just overwhelmed him. At the begging it was hard for him to do all the things that were necessary because he had to face much worse things than a boggart from an old cupboard. Sometimes he heard rumors about a mysterious angel who was trying to save them all, some even said Merlin himself was back. He couldn't say it wasn't flattering but it was also worrying him. It seemed like his actions haven't gone unnoticed.

 _"They found Ainsworth last week. Said he was tortured, no place on his body was left undamaged."_  
 _"Cummins turned himself in yesterday! Told everything, betrayed half of his group.. Can't say he wasn't helpful, but seems weird, doesn't it?"_

The Ministry was trying to convince everyone that The Department of Magical Law Enforcement was doing a great job, new very capable aurors were recruited, Department of International Magical Cooperation was working with other Ministries from around the world trading information and interrogating those under a suspicion of being a part of any illegal group harmful to the society as they liked to call the Death Eaters these days. The minister went as far to say that it won't be long before they put their hands on the leader himself.

Everyone at The Ministry knew he was trying to cover up the fact that an outsider was doing all their work and that they couldn't find out who that person was. The fallen warriors of the dark side were more eager to tell Voldemort's location than a description of the person who made them bleed through every hole they had on their body.

The Order wasn't happy either. Dumbledore tried to calm them down by saying he's got leads, suspects on certain individuals, but they knew he was lying. At the end, they had to face the fact that their biggest problem wasn't Voldemort anymore but the person who's hunting him down. They couldn't know if that person, when done, is going to change direction and attack the opposite side of the war. Trying to realize what's going on, investigating and helding meetings two times a week, The Order was so busy they didn't even had time to laugh at Fudge and his declarations anymore.

Harry thought it would be weird if he remained silent regarding the question so he was discussing the topic with everyone all the time. Asking if he could attend the meetings and trying to be in the patrols and being declined every time.

 _"The only thing that bothers me is the fact that this person is working alone. How is that even possible?"  
_ _"We don't know if he's working alone. It seems impossible that one person can win this war alone when in the last one we lost an army. Unless, he's a very powerful wizard, which is impossible all over again because, how powerful can he be? Even Voldemort doesn't work alone."  
_ _"You know what, the only thing that bothers me is that you all think of that person as a man. Why couldn't it be a woman? Are you underestimating us?"  
_ _"I don't think that's our biggest problem now, Ginny. At this point I don't know if it's even human anymore."_

Harry had to remain silent at these discussions, held in the common room, The Order's headquarters, The Great Hall, Dumbledore's office, his bedroom... He sometimes laughed when hearing everyone at school talking about how great The Ministry was, ordinary people saying Fudge really proved himself after all...

 _"He's not as useless as I thought he was, see. Seems like he's doing a great job. Too bad we didn't have him in the last war as a minister_." he over heard two witches at the Three Broomsticks.

Others said it was because the aurors were so well trained and powerful. _"My cousin Roger said the battles are fierce! Even though they fight back, our guys win no matter how hard it is."_ a conversation between three second year Hufflepuffs.

Everyone was moving on with their lives, old fear of finding the mark over your house after coming home from work, like in the previous war, wasn't even talked about anymore. They seemed happy and calm about the fact that the Ministry was doing such a great job.

But Harry was the one who was tense all the time. He was the one who's vision blurred because he wasn't getting enough hours of sleep because of the nightmares. He was the one who heard the screams in his mind. The one who was forgetting who he was, who's only worry was to do what they asked him to do. But he didn't show it. He went to classes, smiled and laughed when they expected him to, went to Quidditch practices, talked to his professors and The Order members. It seemed so silly and he had to control very hard when he saw Lavander Brown cry for three days after failing a Transfiguration test. Or Hermione making Ron read between the lines when saying she feels sorry for Lavander and that someone should go and comfort her, because, that was a really important Transfiguration test after all. But he couldn't blame them for living their lives and moving on while he was destroying his, hating every bit of his new personality.

He knew no one noticed anything because he hid everything so well. New shielding charms proved to be very useful, no one seemed to see through them. He let down his guard only at night, when everyone was asleep and he was out hunting. He didn't bother to cover up much while he was out. No one would doubt that that person with dark smile on his face, haunted eyes, firm posture and unimaginable powers was Harry Potter. Who would've thought that he was able to do such things? That he was able to kill and damage? Who would've thought that he himself was damaged?

 _"Where is he?" he was pacing in front of the man, every sudden move he made had the man flinching and squeaking.  
_ _"I don't know!" if anyone else was there watching, they would feel sorry for the man. He seemed like he's going to faint, the fear mixed with sweat gave that scene a haunting image.  
_ _"You think I would've came here if I didn't know you have the information?" he didn't let himself become inpatient.  
_ _"I don't know anything!" the man was on his knees, no visible wounds on his body or any trace of a charm which kept him at that position. One would think he's crazy for not trying to run, but he knew better. "Only the closest to him know where he is. A few persons, really..." Ah, there. He knew he didn't come here for nothing.  
_ _"Names." his voice sounded light, as a breeze but his body movements were a lot less mild.  
_ _"I don't know!" he was trying very hard not to cry. His frustration grew. He knew he's going to die.  
_ _A strong wind started to blow all of a sudden. Leaves were flying, swirling, dirt was sticking on his face.. He felt helpless. The hood his interrogator was wearing fell of his face and the man cried out. His face was pale, the smile still there, but it wasn't the amused one anymore. His teeth were showing, he looked like a vampire, thirsty for blood. He had dark bags under his eyes which were the most surprising on his face. They were gray. But not gray like most of people with natural gray eye color, this gray was so light it was hard to tell if there were irises at all. His eyes were the most terrifying thing the man has ever seen whole his life, and he felt like laughing because who on Earth would say that working with The Dark Lord for more than a decade and seeing that much blood spilled by himself and his friends was less terrifying than these eyes. But, yet, they were.  
_ _"We're done playing games. You tell me right now or I'll make you feel pain you've never felt before. The one not even Voldemort himself can make you feel." again that soft voice... The man was trying to think about his options but there didn't seem to be any. He opened his mouth a few times but closed them every time, calculating. His capturer didn't show any signs of annoyance as he waved his hand and a branch from a nearby tree flew across the meadow and sinked in the man's leg. A piercing scream was swallowed by the deafening sound of the hurricane his capturer was controlling._

"Why are you up so early?" Ron yawned the next morning looking at Harry's fresh face.

"Oh, had a good night of sleep. Come on, let's hurry, breakfast is already served I think. Hermione must be waiting for us downstairs." he waved his wand and the bed was set. His pajama on the pillow and a glass of water by his bedstead.

"I'm starving. Hope there's chicken." said Ron as he pulled a shirt over his head, trying to put on a tie and pull on pants at the same time. Harry laughed with Dean and Seamus as they watched Ron tripping and falling on the floor, getting up quickly and throwing away the tie with disgust.

"Let's go. I had a weird dream... I was running all the way through it, think that's why I'm so hungry now."

Harry just waved his head and smiled as he remembered his night and smiled even wider when he remembered it was a successful night because at the end, he got all he needed.

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